The wonderful world of Rik ‘Ranting’ Harris

I bought a teddy bear last night for £10. I named it Muhammad. I then sold it for £20. Do you think i made a Prophet ?

I really dont get this crap. How can naming something be classed as offensive? - what about all the parents that have called their children Muhammad? Im sure somewhere there is a rottweiler with the same name. Its kids and its a NAME. What ever happened to that sticks and stones may break my bones line we were taught as kids. Mummy mummy, that boys calling me fat.. ‘just ignore him hunny…’ - indeed.

ABDOL : Mummy mummy, some teacher has allowed her kids to name a teddy bear Muhammad.

Mrs ABDOLS mum : Just ignore them hunny..

Gets me soo annoyed, we bend over backwards (and over again) to accommodate multi cultures in the UK, and we change OUR way of life so we dont upset anyone. Imagine the situation the other way round?

Little Johnny Smith : Mummy a kid in school is jewish and we arnt allowed pork for school dinners anymore.

Little Johnny Smiths Mum : RIGHT!!, pass me my death threat banner making kit, call 10,000 of my closest friends and we are gonna demand that kid be hung!

If this Prophet is as much of a dude as they all say he is, why would he be upset that a childs stuffed teddy is named after him?

The England football team have redesigned their logo. Replacing the 3 lions with three tampons to signify their worst period ever!

Joking aside, the match was a disapointment for me (as i guess it was for the rest of the UK) and many questions i had went unanswered. Why the fcuk wasnt that butter fingers goalie replaced, more importantly, why was he even picked?!

On the upside it was good to see old golden balls back and it was even better to see that he has regained some of the old magic that i thought had gone with his silly haircuts.

Whats new in my life? - not much other than i have decided that the beast has to go, and soon. I need a break from owning a car for a bit while i get myself back on track. I’m growing up and the time for the hot hatch has come to an end. It was fun while it lasted but i really need a bigger car thats reliable, comfortable and standard!

The theoretical replacement list for the Golf is short and the winning contender so far is the Audi S4 which ticks all the right boxes. Big, powerful, subtle and fast (just ignore the MPG figures!). Will keep you all posted on what i decide.

Right off to bed now, have to be up early. Oh, new job is going ok, just incase you wanted to know

Police have arrested a large knife weilding woman at Jade Goodie’s house. It turns out it was Shilpa’s mum… Ma Shetty..

no? - heh.. its ok.. im here all night

I have put this post into the category of ‘jokes’ although im not actually sure you could call it funny! - some very good pictures, no doubt taken a nano-second before their rear passage shrunk to 1000th of its normal size.

Click on a picture to enlarge.

do you have any more like this? please email if you do!

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

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1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby,and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is Permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss’ car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.

e. When she is using her teeth.

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Story in the news..

There are growing fears a serial killer is at large in the east of England after the body of a third prostitute was found in woodland near Ipswich.

Terrible, upsetting, not nice, what a damn shame.. - so, what do we all do once we have taken on board this shocking crime against the ladies of the night? - well, make up jokes of course!

The Following names have been put forward for the ‘PROSTITUTE CEREAL KILLER’

p0rn Flaked
Snatched, cackle’d and POP’d
Shredded Meat
Wheata-bits (happy now Janet?!)
Floats so simple
Honey Monster
Cheerio’s
Pop’d Tarts
ready neck
Toast (ha! - so simple!)
Vice Krispies - new entry.. NICE Janet!

GENERAL JOKES

Fancy rugby? - i hear Ipswich is short of a few hookers this weekend..

Need a new job? - become a wh0re in ipswitch, good rates, but the shifts are murder!

My mate got his wife a fantastic present for xmas, Fishnet stockings, leather mini skirt, high heals and a one way ticket to Ipswitch!

Police are looking for a dyslexic Santa in Ipswitch. Apparently hes been leaving prossies under the trees!

whats the difference between the Ipswich ripper and Mr Kipling? Mr Kipling puts 6 tarts in a box (thanks adam!)

Peter sutcliff only managed 5 girls in 2 years, where the suffolk guy managed 5 in 5 weeks, just goes to show you cant get better than an ip-witch-ripper.. (kwik fit fitter….? - nah.. ? lol. i thought it was class)

Retailers in Ipswitch are urging anyone that is wishing to have s3x with a prostitute to hurry, while stocks last!

You think its cold here? Apparently its minus five in Ipswich.
do you have any others to add?

Many thanks to Vince, Barry, Andy, Adam, Gary and Janet for their input

Special thanks to Helen for this one..

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicenter in Basildon

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

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The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

posh companies….but they lose all respectability when their company name is
written as a web address….

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the
agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. wait for it. its …www.whorepresents.com 

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views or discuss their gender at…www.expertsexchange.com

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Thanks to my Sister laura for this collection of ‘before and after’ shots of many a good looking female celeb… warning.. may shatter a few young mens illusions.

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